Can anyone edit my story, an see if it makes sense, grammar check pls?

You have to stick with either present or past tense. I think you have Jamal too many times. You might want to use he, him, etc. or give him a last name and call him that sometimes. Good vocab! I think you might want to work on the story line a little more to make it more appealing. Perhaps you could add a little more and let him get out of prison? Sounds a little depressing.......